thinking of a better name
The most romantic moment in my life
is still when i kissed that disabled girls boyfriend
in disney sneaking around the chlorine hotel pools
with weird grainy concrete
and empty shuttle buses
with movie theatre printed carpet on their seats
and the slippery ferry
in which he picked up some trash and gave it to me
and his hotel room had that dark lamp light
with a mirror on the wall
and a puddle coming from the bathroom
that made me feel like maybe we were running away and this was the scene right before
someone in a sweaty wife beater busted in
I kept thinking about how i asked her in 3rd grade
if her foot braces were shin guards
and when her game was
The most romantic moment in my life
is still when i kissed that disabled girls boyfriend
in disney sneaking around the chlorine hotel pools
with weird grainy concrete
and empty shuttle buses
with movie theatre printed carpet on their seats
and the slippery ferry
in which he picked up some trash and gave it to me
and his hotel room had that dark lamp light
with a mirror on the wall
and a puddle coming from the bathroom
that made me feel like maybe we were running away and this was the scene right before
someone in a sweaty wife beater busted in
I kept thinking about how i asked her in 3rd grade
if her foot braces were shin guards
and when her game was
My boyfriend asked to marry me but I’m going out to recess
I walked to the field, already thinking of all the pretty ecometaphors
I’d pretend I’d feel
When I walked here I was standing tall in my clicky boots,
a person who goes grocery shopping
And doesn’t put their head on the table when they write anymore.
But that’s not it, the sun wasn’t shining and it was cold
I hung my knuckles over the fence
There are kids over there;
is it weird that I’m looking at kids?
My fingers feel slack and my knuckles hurt
I want to hang all my weight like a monkey
Have my shoulders sandwich my cheeks together and
bottom lip wet.
So I do it, it feels so good I let some drool out
I sit down on the packed packed packed grass
dusty dirt like a baseball field
I press my forearms into my knees hunched over criss cross
and pull the elastic grass.
It snaps off the fibers like celery
I should write something here about the smell
and how its better when you tear the roots out of the dirt so it looks like a mobile
but I just love that green gunk that gets under your fingernails
I keep on pulling pulling pulling waiting for
the Earth to boing back from all my ripping.
I was worried the moms would be
Wary of me sitting here
But now I just want one of them to take me with them
I would go quietly.
This feels like the time that I was annoying you
because I was done listening
my brain needed a nap
so I spit the fish into the hammock my dress made over my knees
I wanted to throw up all the way
and walk to my mom’s door.
Imagine if people started saying congratulations
Instead of feeling bad for me.
I walked to the field, already thinking of all the pretty ecometaphors
I’d pretend I’d feel
When I walked here I was standing tall in my clicky boots,
a person who goes grocery shopping
And doesn’t put their head on the table when they write anymore.
But that’s not it, the sun wasn’t shining and it was cold
I hung my knuckles over the fence
There are kids over there;
is it weird that I’m looking at kids?
My fingers feel slack and my knuckles hurt
I want to hang all my weight like a monkey
Have my shoulders sandwich my cheeks together and
bottom lip wet.
So I do it, it feels so good I let some drool out
I sit down on the packed packed packed grass
dusty dirt like a baseball field
I press my forearms into my knees hunched over criss cross
and pull the elastic grass.
It snaps off the fibers like celery
I should write something here about the smell
and how its better when you tear the roots out of the dirt so it looks like a mobile
but I just love that green gunk that gets under your fingernails
I keep on pulling pulling pulling waiting for
the Earth to boing back from all my ripping.
I was worried the moms would be
Wary of me sitting here
But now I just want one of them to take me with them
I would go quietly.
This feels like the time that I was annoying you
because I was done listening
my brain needed a nap
so I spit the fish into the hammock my dress made over my knees
I wanted to throw up all the way
and walk to my mom’s door.
Imagine if people started saying congratulations
Instead of feeling bad for me.
LIL UZI CHAIN
instead of the tell / tale heart / the downstairs breaker ticks / beeps we’re at 18 degrees / I can see my breath form / one of the many djinn / it doesn’t whisper in your ear its / outside and slinking and singing down / the street / redi rock instead of breadcrumbs / new american ghost stories and / monsters or are they even / american / because they / lie in the place where little boys heads / tear drop to meet their necks / no cowboys / just horses and bouncing / ecko drawstrings / and teeth / poking through the rare shade / of the hood /
one thing ive learned / is that the shadows /
are always gnashing / whatevers not orange /
will grow a knife / and tell you not to scream /
maybe itll ask me for a light / or for a minute in my throat / the only beast I worship / is me / no ponytails / hardware store talons /
theres something esoteric / about words written and / found by two nobodies / I don’t fear death im underworld / written on my building / but little favela is probably / a devourer by now / and im the only one / left living / and clinging / and fearing / are you a satanist / for the aesthetic / or a buddhist / just because you live near trees / hell is here / and im just trying to reach for samsara / uzi bouncing / manson on his chest / on his way to mecca
instead of the tell / tale heart / the downstairs breaker ticks / beeps we’re at 18 degrees / I can see my breath form / one of the many djinn / it doesn’t whisper in your ear its / outside and slinking and singing down / the street / redi rock instead of breadcrumbs / new american ghost stories and / monsters or are they even / american / because they / lie in the place where little boys heads / tear drop to meet their necks / no cowboys / just horses and bouncing / ecko drawstrings / and teeth / poking through the rare shade / of the hood /
one thing ive learned / is that the shadows /
are always gnashing / whatevers not orange /
will grow a knife / and tell you not to scream /
maybe itll ask me for a light / or for a minute in my throat / the only beast I worship / is me / no ponytails / hardware store talons /
theres something esoteric / about words written and / found by two nobodies / I don’t fear death im underworld / written on my building / but little favela is probably / a devourer by now / and im the only one / left living / and clinging / and fearing / are you a satanist / for the aesthetic / or a buddhist / just because you live near trees / hell is here / and im just trying to reach for samsara / uzi bouncing / manson on his chest / on his way to mecca
red stuff
mortal kombat brutalities don’t get me hard anymore
I need a type of violence that is secret
I need a masturbation that has blood
always excited when its bright red
like a maraschino cherry
or babybell wax
but no its a black slug between my legs with red wine legs
for the fifth time this month
dusty rose blooming on my sheets where our bodies met
the ochre guilt diluted by my own hedonism
and cherry chapstick
red lips look swollen after you wipe the red lipstick off
an infection on your spit
like when we used hot cheetos to plump our lips before the show
but just ended up splashing red wine and cheeto heartburn in the sink
the skin near the new lines on your neck that spells my name
replacing what I wrote in wet bruises with puffy pink skin and a forever hickey
I want it to sparkle and oxidize
I want it to reverberate in my nose until i can feel blood
I wanna cry and get all glossy and transparent and look at you with my eyelashes clumped in triangles from the tears and your fist will be throbbing
its magenta from the blood behind your skin and i think we should peel it back
we already tried to find out what red was beneath your sunburn
because your moms a nurse and she has sterilized needles
local couple dead on the floor
in a mall goth attempt to swap vials of blood
most of my time is spent is trying to plug up the holes
that I picked open because I could
someday I’ll really become
hot stuff the little devil
waking up with a glossy coat of acrylic paint built in to my skin
and I’ll be so red that all other reds will
stop being red
mortal kombat brutalities don’t get me hard anymore
I need a type of violence that is secret
I need a masturbation that has blood
always excited when its bright red
like a maraschino cherry
or babybell wax
but no its a black slug between my legs with red wine legs
for the fifth time this month
dusty rose blooming on my sheets where our bodies met
the ochre guilt diluted by my own hedonism
and cherry chapstick
red lips look swollen after you wipe the red lipstick off
an infection on your spit
like when we used hot cheetos to plump our lips before the show
but just ended up splashing red wine and cheeto heartburn in the sink
the skin near the new lines on your neck that spells my name
replacing what I wrote in wet bruises with puffy pink skin and a forever hickey
I want it to sparkle and oxidize
I want it to reverberate in my nose until i can feel blood
I wanna cry and get all glossy and transparent and look at you with my eyelashes clumped in triangles from the tears and your fist will be throbbing
its magenta from the blood behind your skin and i think we should peel it back
we already tried to find out what red was beneath your sunburn
because your moms a nurse and she has sterilized needles
local couple dead on the floor
in a mall goth attempt to swap vials of blood
most of my time is spent is trying to plug up the holes
that I picked open because I could
someday I’ll really become
hot stuff the little devil
waking up with a glossy coat of acrylic paint built in to my skin
and I’ll be so red that all other reds will
stop being red
stale cake
you tell me that every picture someone wants to forget has a person in it
I hold a birthday card that says nice things that no one feels for me anymore
It hurts more that it’s my birthday
I was so fucking young! (angry)
I was so fucking adored! (angry)
I’ll just pretend to be stupid so people like me again
One of my friends who pees in people’s mouths for money
Is now getting paid to sit on cakes
If my nose was smaller and upturned maybe it would be cool to drool on your chest when I sleep and cute when I forget to turn off the stove
Do you think if I get my Ph.D. I’ll still want to be prettier
You say “she’s a libra” and it parts your lips like an oyster, like a slut
I’m not like other girls
I’m willing to mutilate myself!
you tell me that every picture someone wants to forget has a person in it
I hold a birthday card that says nice things that no one feels for me anymore
It hurts more that it’s my birthday
I was so fucking young! (angry)
I was so fucking adored! (angry)
I’ll just pretend to be stupid so people like me again
One of my friends who pees in people’s mouths for money
Is now getting paid to sit on cakes
If my nose was smaller and upturned maybe it would be cool to drool on your chest when I sleep and cute when I forget to turn off the stove
Do you think if I get my Ph.D. I’ll still want to be prettier
You say “she’s a libra” and it parts your lips like an oyster, like a slut
I’m not like other girls
I’m willing to mutilate myself!
I feel sick but its ok im just a dog!
my friend said that i want to die in a fight, but not
an easy fight. a hard fight in which when I’ve been beaten i will be dead.
I think i’d like to die of embarrassment
and live like I do in my dreams where it keeps going so wrong
and nothing makes sense
and i keep being so embarrassingly violent
and sexually forward
and none of my punches are landing against this smug boy
and my kicks are like pushing a rope
and i beat up and cuss at my classroom on my first day of teaching
I want to go down blushing and yipping
begging everyone to eat me
and then finally killing myself
saying “calm down its almost here”
and then doing it
my friend said that i want to die in a fight, but not
an easy fight. a hard fight in which when I’ve been beaten i will be dead.
I think i’d like to die of embarrassment
and live like I do in my dreams where it keeps going so wrong
and nothing makes sense
and i keep being so embarrassingly violent
and sexually forward
and none of my punches are landing against this smug boy
and my kicks are like pushing a rope
and i beat up and cuss at my classroom on my first day of teaching
I want to go down blushing and yipping
begging everyone to eat me
and then finally killing myself
saying “calm down its almost here”
and then doing it
divvy up the spoils
make my skull into a bowl
that will go to Eric
because he’s the best at doing dishes
tie my feet up
by their laces
and fling them up on the telephone wires
where the gang of 11 year olds used to cross me up
while i was walking to school
I’d cook my eyes in a soup
or maybe put them in the sockets of a fish
and have them served to my dad when he asks the waitress to keep the head on
she’ll bring out his food and he’ll be so complimented
bringing his hands to his chest
taking a fork to my big black eyes shaking his head in “you shouldn’t have”
you can drain the rest of my blood
to use as a messy chaser that drips out the sides of your smile
hopefully by then ill have 12 friends and one betrayer
throw the rest of my negative into the coffin on 16th and huntingdon
with the list I kept of everyone I’ve kissed to be submitted for evidence
also I’m not an organ donor
make my skull into a bowl
that will go to Eric
because he’s the best at doing dishes
tie my feet up
by their laces
and fling them up on the telephone wires
where the gang of 11 year olds used to cross me up
while i was walking to school
I’d cook my eyes in a soup
or maybe put them in the sockets of a fish
and have them served to my dad when he asks the waitress to keep the head on
she’ll bring out his food and he’ll be so complimented
bringing his hands to his chest
taking a fork to my big black eyes shaking his head in “you shouldn’t have”
you can drain the rest of my blood
to use as a messy chaser that drips out the sides of your smile
hopefully by then ill have 12 friends and one betrayer
throw the rest of my negative into the coffin on 16th and huntingdon
with the list I kept of everyone I’ve kissed to be submitted for evidence
also I’m not an organ donor
a poem about my tongue (I)
its been at least
three minutes
staring at the mirror
with my tongue wetting my
chin
watching spit
drop off the tip
into the sink
clear not foamy
ive always been kalika
doing the honor
of tearing and destroying
and still wearing
a bright red
im sorry
some of my hair from
last week’s cut
worms around the edge of
the cold handle
did i really get bored and become a wrathful deity?
i'll call it an exercise in
the left hand path
as white magic becomes
synonymous with
a 401k
and thanksgiving at your family’s
call it expedient means
2 day shipping impermanence
with a touch of mereological
nihilism
for the moment
if it makes me happy
ill continue transgressing
good without the greater
call it objectless desire
as my fleeting gaze
is a savior for your suffering
that something unconditional
might inflict
someday ill hold
my tongue in haka
wrathful but
confidently intentioned
this isn’t
a cosmogony
it’s the one goddess
who is embarrassed
to be worshipped
the last time I cut
my hair
you tied up
the blunt end in
a ribbon
and called it a lock of hair
emphasizing who
was the key holder
burn
that piece of me you wouldn’t sweep up
kill
all the saints on your altar for everyone’s sake
spit
and I cant stress this enough
in my fucking mouth
its been at least
three minutes
staring at the mirror
with my tongue wetting my
chin
watching spit
drop off the tip
into the sink
clear not foamy
ive always been kalika
doing the honor
of tearing and destroying
and still wearing
a bright red
im sorry
some of my hair from
last week’s cut
worms around the edge of
the cold handle
did i really get bored and become a wrathful deity?
i'll call it an exercise in
the left hand path
as white magic becomes
synonymous with
a 401k
and thanksgiving at your family’s
call it expedient means
2 day shipping impermanence
with a touch of mereological
nihilism
for the moment
if it makes me happy
ill continue transgressing
good without the greater
call it objectless desire
as my fleeting gaze
is a savior for your suffering
that something unconditional
might inflict
someday ill hold
my tongue in haka
wrathful but
confidently intentioned
this isn’t
a cosmogony
it’s the one goddess
who is embarrassed
to be worshipped
the last time I cut
my hair
you tied up
the blunt end in
a ribbon
and called it a lock of hair
emphasizing who
was the key holder
burn
that piece of me you wouldn’t sweep up
kill
all the saints on your altar for everyone’s sake
spit
and I cant stress this enough
in my fucking mouth
1618 n carlisle
i’ve got a stupid headache from this jager and nicotine
feeling like a boy almost made me forget what a torso does
this is the worst use of high ceilings i’ve seen
i’ve heard about three people ask for an acid plug
but that’s fucking dead. the lights shut off like novacane
instant fixation, i’m dreaming and the laugh track cut out
the man were all here for stalks to the foyer, i know he’s mean
“lets just play” and then everyone starts to fucking shout
its chaos magick and every rattling feeling-spirit flick lighter
its eyes closed head tipped back
its pete’s bow sawing and splitting and spitting into static hair fibers
its quivering in the green light the rest of his top hand and open skin puddled with black
FINALLY SOMETHING LOOKS JUST AS HARD AS IT IS
SOMETHING SOUNDS AS WRAITHFUL AS I FEEL
i’ve got a stupid headache from this jager and nicotine
feeling like a boy almost made me forget what a torso does
this is the worst use of high ceilings i’ve seen
i’ve heard about three people ask for an acid plug
but that’s fucking dead. the lights shut off like novacane
instant fixation, i’m dreaming and the laugh track cut out
the man were all here for stalks to the foyer, i know he’s mean
“lets just play” and then everyone starts to fucking shout
its chaos magick and every rattling feeling-spirit flick lighter
its eyes closed head tipped back
its pete’s bow sawing and splitting and spitting into static hair fibers
its quivering in the green light the rest of his top hand and open skin puddled with black
FINALLY SOMETHING LOOKS JUST AS HARD AS IT IS
SOMETHING SOUNDS AS WRAITHFUL AS I FEEL
lake story
the one time i got fingered in the lake i remember it was the definition of being over my head. I had just taken what I thought was oxy but it was just ritalin at the end of the day which i should have definitely known if i didn’t just do drugs when boys told me to. we were supposed to be walking around the track for cancer but the disabled girl had recently reclaimed her boyfriend and I was more focused on memorizing the rules of attraction and wearing colors that would trick your brain into being attracted to me. i remember you told me you went to prom with this girl who i only knew as someone who liked dogs too much that she wore hiking boots all the time, but still she was not 14 so i kept her on my radar just in case. I told you i knew the person manning the aux in the announcer box so we went up the bangy metal bleachers that kinda give me vertigo. the door was locked but that didn’t matter because your nose started bleeding when we got to the top and it was thin watery nose blood that really came which made me pass out just a little bit. when i fell i started bleeding too and we were both just touching ourselves frantically trying not to fumble all the blood that we could catch. after we were clotted with flakey toilet paper at the first aid tent I think you asked if I wanted to go skinny dipping in the lake behind the high school. three of my friends followed me quite obviously to see someone take off their clothes as this is very exciting and a girl that i would later kiss (or face rape in reality) told me she also wanted to take off her clothes. once we sprinted away from the closed lifeguard shack that sold really good nachos in daylight the girl i would later kiss was signaled be you kissing me to leave the water. i remember i had never shaved my pussy before so i only shaved the parts i could see in the mirror leaving an eyelash fringe near the opening of my unpunctured hole. we stood facing each other while you felt around splashing the lips of the water gently and i heard my not-yet-porn-informed breath echo shallowly on the trees not satisfyingly enough for me not to care. i wondered if the snapping turtle would come up and bite your fingers but never my pussy because i hadn’t thought long enough about it yet to even know what i looked like. when i asked to go back in you paused because i didn’t know i owed you a hand job but you said yes and we left the dark abyss soaking wet and chafed
the one time i got fingered in the lake i remember it was the definition of being over my head. I had just taken what I thought was oxy but it was just ritalin at the end of the day which i should have definitely known if i didn’t just do drugs when boys told me to. we were supposed to be walking around the track for cancer but the disabled girl had recently reclaimed her boyfriend and I was more focused on memorizing the rules of attraction and wearing colors that would trick your brain into being attracted to me. i remember you told me you went to prom with this girl who i only knew as someone who liked dogs too much that she wore hiking boots all the time, but still she was not 14 so i kept her on my radar just in case. I told you i knew the person manning the aux in the announcer box so we went up the bangy metal bleachers that kinda give me vertigo. the door was locked but that didn’t matter because your nose started bleeding when we got to the top and it was thin watery nose blood that really came which made me pass out just a little bit. when i fell i started bleeding too and we were both just touching ourselves frantically trying not to fumble all the blood that we could catch. after we were clotted with flakey toilet paper at the first aid tent I think you asked if I wanted to go skinny dipping in the lake behind the high school. three of my friends followed me quite obviously to see someone take off their clothes as this is very exciting and a girl that i would later kiss (or face rape in reality) told me she also wanted to take off her clothes. once we sprinted away from the closed lifeguard shack that sold really good nachos in daylight the girl i would later kiss was signaled be you kissing me to leave the water. i remember i had never shaved my pussy before so i only shaved the parts i could see in the mirror leaving an eyelash fringe near the opening of my unpunctured hole. we stood facing each other while you felt around splashing the lips of the water gently and i heard my not-yet-porn-informed breath echo shallowly on the trees not satisfyingly enough for me not to care. i wondered if the snapping turtle would come up and bite your fingers but never my pussy because i hadn’t thought long enough about it yet to even know what i looked like. when i asked to go back in you paused because i didn’t know i owed you a hand job but you said yes and we left the dark abyss soaking wet and chafed
size 6
move like a bitch
i want you to do all the things i do
ill spread your lips open with my palm
your neck will slack out
adams apple on a string
and ill stick my fingers down your throat
and you’ll get wet for me
that is when I’ll vibrate
ill be fully engorged only then
when i see you give in
and put on the dress for me
move like a bitch
i want you to do all the things i do
ill spread your lips open with my palm
your neck will slack out
adams apple on a string
and ill stick my fingers down your throat
and you’ll get wet for me
that is when I’ll vibrate
ill be fully engorged only then
when i see you give in
and put on the dress for me
subaru lilith
if I bask in your light long enough
with my nose scrunched and cheeks flexed
I’ll end up with a sunburn
that’ll tighten my skin like a fitted sheet
and I’ll crack it open for you the next time we meet
splitting the seams with a smile
blood and puss streaming as you shine on me
some drops will get in your wine spritzer
and the stinging oozing mess will say thank you!
because my gratitude never comes out right through the other holes in my face
ill be thirty and I’ll probably still check you dogs Instagram account
it might be evil but since I know i can’t keep you loving me
I want to at least have you cheat on your long term girlfriend once
or receive a terrible blowjob and think about how you said jesus christ
as i rested my head on your hip
if you get married ill never rest until you pick me up in a subaru to fuck me in your townhouse
and we’ll use a monogrammed dishtowel to wipe up your cum
and ill rest my head on your hip again
so i can see the places i skewered forever onto your stomach
and hope to god you never have a daughter
if I bask in your light long enough
with my nose scrunched and cheeks flexed
I’ll end up with a sunburn
that’ll tighten my skin like a fitted sheet
and I’ll crack it open for you the next time we meet
splitting the seams with a smile
blood and puss streaming as you shine on me
some drops will get in your wine spritzer
and the stinging oozing mess will say thank you!
because my gratitude never comes out right through the other holes in my face
ill be thirty and I’ll probably still check you dogs Instagram account
it might be evil but since I know i can’t keep you loving me
I want to at least have you cheat on your long term girlfriend once
or receive a terrible blowjob and think about how you said jesus christ
as i rested my head on your hip
if you get married ill never rest until you pick me up in a subaru to fuck me in your townhouse
and we’ll use a monogrammed dishtowel to wipe up your cum
and ill rest my head on your hip again
so i can see the places i skewered forever onto your stomach
and hope to god you never have a daughter