(11/2) 8:19pm
i'm currently in japan i did a little journal here for the first couple weeks because i figured I'd be making a bunch of memories that i would never ever dare forget but as i've expressed enough to the 2 people that I talk to (and therefore have no energy to make it clear to you, a text box, my suffering) that i am pretty much in a constant state of suicide-brinking whenever am not stimulated. its crazy because there are arguments that could be made that I'm having an objectively good time here if i wanted to because i have done a number of things in which i have smiled through and made a great friend (the best kind where you think youre in love with them at first) but the second i am alone with myself its like the exact panel of wood youre standing on in that shittyily perfect japanese hardwood apartment floor was the end of the globe and you hadn't noticed and now your falling off the earth. but youre falling off the earth kinda vapidly thinking how you shouldve seen this coming dumbass. anyways im basically statistically speaking gunna die this weekend based on the fact that i'll have no reason to see anyone or speak to anyone but myself for 5 days, I made plans to eric to go to fukushima and get radiated but thats a joke prolly, and other plans to mummify myself by meditating like that sunglasses monk, but EVERYONE knows thats actually an act of valor and I couldn't do it so its also a joke. I imagine that i wuld get about 2 minutes in and do that shitty whine scream inside myhead that i've been doing lately when i cant stand myself. I feel like its just me hating my conciousness fully not just because i hate living as an act but god living with myself? gut me rip my tummy open like youre digging for the drugs inside it (like that one NCIS episode that scared the shit out of me) and then get the shit out so i dont taste game and (wait just picture like a big mass f dark meat and blood with some one cutting it up to find something) then they finally find that little slug thats crawing away and they stab it with a knife! and that bit was my conciousness and once its stabbed its over. ahhh. im in a better mood now. maybe its because when i type on this thing i look at the (i almost said angels) eagles in the back and its like the post office haha. okay to truly prove that its out of mysystem with the stupid poetic manicism i'll explain calmly like a nice person that in my hometown there is a post office that has a old mural on top of like a marble wall and its of settlers and indians (i think reading the bible) but they are just very idyllic in the kindergarten learning way, kinda like these eagles, i would be interested in thinking more about thankgiving-America (iconography/feeling) so i can describe it, bookmark that into things i can't describe my full feeling of but want to. Also the last time i talked to eric i asked how the angels were and he hadn't had time.
Okay, so back to why i am again doing this: last time I did i had been reading meggy now im kinda in a similar state of isolation and these five days could produce an amunt of material that i could walk away from after without feeling habit-guilt, and this may make more interesting my insanity insomnia descent. some notes about my right now: just got done watching Heaven Knows What, and am currently writing two research papers one on nina aresenault thinkin about hoe her transness makes real stakes in body art and cyborg feminism, and one looking at the whole idea of seperating the art from the artist and rape fantasies for survivors in Araki's work (but mainly the recent allegations towards him). i care about them they make me feel smart and dumb, they also make me feel like my efforts are high stakes because i am so smart and dumb and i care about them. also, i want to finally publish the poetry book (yeehoo) this week, and i guess im drawing faces again. but also i am more importantly writing a horror movie with molly (aforementioned in love friend) and i very much care about that too. i got sad this morning over how kyle mooney looks sad, but also the movie will be setin new jersey and im prolly now gonna watch the garden state. u there cringing on the other side of the screen how about you choke how about you i dont care the dudes name is ZACH BRAFF. zach BRAFF. ZACH. braff. who doesn't get exaactly what that means. maybe ill look up some cool music and all that i hope i can just continue to work on stuff and ill prolly watch a million movies tonight and itll be great. who knows. coming out of my absorbtion with writing b back l8r. i kinda missed u bloggy :-)
11/2 10:46pm
pausedwatching my private idaho (got halfway through garden state and realized all i remembered from the movie was that it rained in one scene) now im dreaming of new jersey and being sad there which i realize is something ill prolly do about japan when im not here. in that case it would be more productive perhaps to smoke some cigarettes while im at it and be out on an unknown sidewalk at night (because poetic meaning somehow cant exist in the day) i think we have to start calling things liminal after the age of 23 because our brain is just recycling the bullshit that our 16 year old hormones syncronized with aparently the rest of the cinematic world. i hate myseelf for typing all ofthis lol. also just got a super familiar taste in my mouth wonder whqat it was gonna get some more tea and read some of erics poems, they fell off the wall, and i kept forgetting to check milk debt and got an email from a really cool website. hopefully theyre cool and take my stuff. okay the plan is tea, finish this movie, hell raiser, nudes, cybord thingies, cigarette outside. also just ran out of toilet paper should we see how long i can last also heated toilet seats have the same efffect as taking a bath. brb. prolly not tho.
11:06pm
actually back, got two mugs of hot water like how i would if molly were here but im not sentimental about it i am more thinking about what it would be like to throw boiling water if it would go faster. funner for sure. also there are two little sheep dols hanging fro someones door. tall girl with weird bf came in and i forgot about her immediately, im already getting to the point where i am too in conversation with myself that its like a semi dissasociative, i like that this time, i dont feel the narcissistic thingy yet. saw charlotte shes got two dudes coming into her room wiht matteresses, forgot to ask for ritalin. i might have to break up an three way to have some rtalin and i would like that alot i really want to do that prolly just to get close to one or maybe just for attention. so that they dont forget that i exist while they have grpup sex. ill get toiletpaper soon and maybe walk on a bridge and steal stuff. itll be fun.
(11/3) 1:11am
smoked on the bridge, entirely more scary that i thought it was going to be, something about how quiet it was and how highway like the road was and how dark it was.also forgot that people stare here. elevator clock said 0:30 when i left, i felt very private idahoey, walked into the convience store like a cowboy, bought soymilk and toilt paper, wondered why philly is bright orange with light pollution while tokyo feels bitch black and crystal clear -- even the stars were out. walked by a school and thought thank god im not in one of those. couldnt find anything to steal so tore off a couple leaves and put a flower in the vending machine coin slot. saw charlotte in post threesome ... grossness? she looked wasted and sweaty... i had also forgotten how to speak and all so i just asked her about the ritalin. did my nightly cinnamon challenge and thinking about next steps now.